fretwork News, August 2006

Hello I’m alex alans

And I’m Christina cho

A - And welcome to the fretwork news. Our top story: The world exploded into violence and disaster last week after pop singer and former NSync member Lance Bass came out of the closet as gay -- causing forest fires in Arizona, civil unrest in Darfur, and escalating violence in the Middle East. Hit especially hard was Israel and Lebanon, which saw its fragile peace accord dissolve in bombings and war as the countries battled over the fact that Lance Bass is not heterosexual. The violence is predicted to continue since the area must not only come to terms with the fact that he is gay, but also that he is gay and looks like a cross between a chipmunk and a large white tightly inflated volleyball.

C - In heterosexual news, tough rugged actor Matthew Mcoughaney has a new straight pal -- in World Champion cyclist Lance Armstrong. Since his breakup with fiancée Sheryl Crow, Armstrong has found solace and companionship with the definitely straight, not-gay-like-Lance-Bass actor Mcoughnahey. The party pals have been hitting hotspots in Miami, LA and New York. They are so very close in fact, that Armstrong has decided to make a whole line of awareness bracelets called the Matt and Lance Fistband, which Lance wears up on the top of his forearm,

A - The Canadian food inspection agency announce that it has discovered mad cow disease at a farm in british Columbia. The agency confirmed that a 6 year old cow has the sickness bovine spongiform encephalopathy, better known as mad cow disease. The agency suspected the cow had the disease though, beforehand, when it started doing very uncanadian things like dancing well, and being interesting.

C - Botox bonanza! The 3.8 million Botox injections given last year were almost five times the number performed in 2000. Surgeons collectively billed almost $1.4 billion for Botox treatments last year. Interestingly 1 billion of these treatments can be traced to Desperate Housewife actress Marcia Cross, who doctors are helping fulfill her dream of turning her face into a smooth Corningware bowl.

A - Oliver Stone’s harrowing and symphonic paen to the pain and tragedy of 9-11, World Trade Center, has become the #3 movie at the box office, raking in 8 million dollars. Its drastic depiction of the 2001 tragedy has inspired him to work on a sequel. The celebrated director has received official White House approval to start work on his next film called, World War Three, which should hit theaters in the next couple of weeks!

C - Makeover aren’t just for humans anymore! In the next few months, many of the most beloved icons from commercial products are being re-styled and overhauled. Including Juan Valdez, the friendly Colombian coffee grower and Mr Peanut, the dapper representative of Planters Peanuts. First out of the box, so to speak, is the Sun Maid raisin girl, who now appears with a California style tan, larger breasts, and wider whiter smile. Soon after her makeover, the Sunmaid started dating newly single Hollywood man-skank Dave Navarro, who titty fucked her in the back of an SUV limo last night. A connsumate professional, Sunmaid kept her bonnet on and didn’t spill one raisin out of her basket while he creamed all over her newly bronzed face.

[alex rings bell]

A – Christina guess what its time for!

C – my favorite segment?

A – yes that’s right! “How do you want to see the president killed!” where we chat with the audience and see how all of us want to see George W Bush die for ruining our country and starting world war three!

[they sing]

A - How do you wanna see the President Killed?
Both - How do you wanna see the President Killed?
A - With a gun
C - With a knife
Both - How would you like to end George Bush’s life
Both - How do you want to see the President killed?

A – I’ll start I’ll start….Let’s see…ummm…. I hate the president so much, that I would love to be a part of an angry romainian-Ceaucesque-era mob and storm the white house, rip him apart him limb by limb, then march though town with his head on a tall stake dripping blood!

C – Ha ha! My turn my turn! I would like to take a more personal approach Alex…I’d like to suck the commander in Chief’s penis, producing lots of saliva so that it gets all wet and drippy and then, and in a swift action, bite down on it, rip it off with my razor sharp fangs and stand over him, with his cock’s torn-apart veins and tissue dangling from my mouth, and wail a bloodcurdling Borneo death ritual like this – Eleleleleleleleleleele!

A – Word up! Anyone else? Yes, you over there!

Person 1 : Um, I hate the president so much I’d like to strip him naked and drop him in a dirty cell in Guantanamo Bay with a bunch of mentally unstable, steroid-engraged American guards who tie electrodes to his anus, defecate on him, and force him to suck a dog’s cock until he is humiliated to death!

A: Super! And you there!

Person 2: I’d like to give the president AIDS and then produce a reality show where he is only given 30 dollars and no health care and everyone watches him beg for medication and slowly die on the streets of Los Angeles!

C: Ooh that’s a good one!

A: Yes! We have time for one more! You in the corner!

Person 3: I want to get the job as the white house chef and feed the president a delightful elegant platter of caviar. Then while he is chewing on it, I will reveal that he isn’t eating caviar, but rather frozen embryos from stem cell research facilities! Then, as he chokes with horror, I’ll shovel more and more of it down his throat as he suffocates to death, screaming, eat more precious unborn children, dickhead!

C: weee! That was fun!

[break again into song]

A: How do you want to see the president expire?
A - With a candlestick! Or a rope!
C - A Burning Tire!
A - It may be an act of treason,
C - but its also hurricane season
Both - And he doesn’t give a shit about you anyway!
Both - Especially if you’re poor or black or gay
Both -- How do you want to see the President Wiped Away!