Fretwork News, July 2006

Hello I’m Alex Alans

And I’m Christina Cho

A - And welcome to the fretwork News. With the Hurricane Season in full swing, New Orleans officials, the Federal Government and FEMA are scrambling to both finish work on the out of date levee systems and create a sound, efficient evacuation plan. Although they are dangerously late and haven’t finished either, The Bush Administration has released a helpful brochure on Hurricane Rescue strategy. One: Stock up on water and canned food. Two: keep a battery-powered radio in your house to hear rescue and evacuation instructions. Three: be white.

C - Fire Island is back to normal after tests from last week showed the presence of e-coli bacteria in the water. During the scare, fire island residents were told to not to use faucet water but that it was ok to drink and eat as much pee and poo as you want!

A: Church officials recently confirmed that Pope Benedict XVI has requested a report on whether it might be acceptable for Catholics to use condoms in one narrow circumstance: to protect life inside a marriage when one partner is infected with HIV. To further complete his condom study, Pope Benedict is asking any hot black men to show up at his private chambers wearing condoms, then to powerfuck his hot papal hole, and then to drizzle their viscous loads all over his naked wrinkled body until he resembles a large glazed donut.

C - Designers at Ground Zero faced another setback for the much beleagured 9-11 memorial last week when relatives of the victims refused to endorse the plan for the memorial site, even in its newly revised form. Already in the works, though, is the 9-11 memorial memorial, to commemorate those of us being driven insane by the construction of the 9-11 memorial.

A - After 41 years of darkness, the lights of the Parachute Jump on Coney Island were turned on last week. The ride itself isn’t being revived, but the 277 foot tower will be illuminated every night as a part of the city’s plan to revitalize the Coney Island area. The chairs, meanwhile, will be sold as luxury homes by the Corcoran group, starting at 1.5 million each. The open air apartments have no bathroom, but there’s a space between the seat and the back rest so you can just shit while your sitting and let it drop and splatter on the ground, where poor people live.

C - A major breakthough in robotics – Last week in a Boston laboratory, a paralyzed man with a small sensor implanted in his brain was able to control a computer, a television set and a robot using only his thoughts. The man moved a cursor, opened email, played a simple game of Pong on the computer and drew a crude circle. Then he drew a crude penis, and fucked the crude circle with it. Then he quickly drew a big pair of crude tits and came all over them, drew himself a bed to sleep in, and told the crude circle to get the fuck out.

A –…The American Flag – perhaps our country’s greatest metaphor of freedom and pride. A proposed constitutional amendment to allow Congress to prohibit desecration of the flag fell short of a single vote of approval by the Senate last week, which means it is still considered free speech to burn or tamper with the flag, putting this revered symbol of our nation at great risk. Oh man I am so damn hot…[dabs his forehead]…

C - I know I’m sweatin like a pig.

[Christina grabs flag and dabs her underarms]

A – you know when it gets this hot how your ass gets all soupy and sweaty like you shit your pants? [takes flag and dabs rear end] oh look its Tansy Newhouse, our field reporter! Hi Tansy!

Michele – Hi guys. Listen I just came by to use the bathroom and I need something to put on the toilet so I don’t have to sit on a gross bare seat, you know?

A – I have an extra flag you could put down on it…

Michele – Oh great, thanks so much.

Cary – Excuse me.

C – oh. Hello. Can I help you? We’re doing a news broadcasts.

Cary – Oh I’m sorry…its just my shitzu dachsund, Sedrick, just shit in the street and I need to pick it up. Do you have a plastic bag…or a…

C – here! You can use this flag…

Cary – great thanks so much…

A – these flags are coming in handy!

Person – Hello?!

A – yes, hello! Can we help you?

Person – I’m a gay man? And I just had cheap meaningless sex in Central Park and now I am covered with some closeted Dominican man’s come, and I don’t have anything to wipe it up with! Do you have an extra American Flag lying around?

A – oh! No problem! Here! Use the flag!

Person – Thanks guys you’re the best!

C – Ugh! Shit!

A – what? What is it?

C – I just got my period. Goddammit. Hey do you have an extra flag lying around I can use as a tampon?

A – oh sure. I think I do…[hands her a small flag on a stick that she rolls and sticks up her vag]

C – thanks so much Alex. Oh perfect its Slender, just my size.

A – No problem! well that’s it for the Fretwork news!