Fretwork News, June 2006

Hello I'm Alex Alans

And I'm Christina Cho

A - And Welcome to the Fretwork News. Our top story. After another bloody series of suicide bombs in Baghdad and an accidental massacre of Afghani civilians, including women and children, by the US military, President Bush once again set the record straight about his progress in the Middle East this morning in a rousing speech before the National Restaurant Association in Chicago. Taking questions from the audience about the Global War on Terror, he defended his administration’s progress, saying quote, “Our nation has been through three difficult years in Iraq, and” – you know what? This is such an important speech that is really putting our minds at rest about his leadership. If you don’t mind taking over Christina, I would rather just listen to you read it, while lightly fingering my anus.

C: Why of course Alex, no problem, “And the way forward will bring more days of challenge and loss. There have been setbacks and missteps -- like Abu Ghraib. Yet we have now reached a turning point in the struggle between freedom and terror.”

A: In sports the Detroit pistons trademark defense carried the team to a 79- - 61 victory over the Cavaliers giving the defending eastern conference champions a 23 second half point lead of 5 to 66 under par puke points in a seven game play of stupid straight guy testosterone bullshit giving the team a chance for the texas ncaa double final fuckpile of endless sports crap that is pointless waste of time and money.

C: Rosie is back! Rosie Odonnell has accepted the offer to replace Meredith Viera on the View next month when Viera takes Katie Couric’s place on the Today show. The Sexy, sassy Ladies of the View are very excited to the change. Perhaps most excited is newly thin Star Jones who is looking forward to chewing on Odonnels dangling lesbian underarm fat as an appetite suppressant when she is feeling a snack attack.

A: Former Jersey Governer Jim Mcgreevey is releasing his tell-all memoir this week, called The confession. In it he chronicles how he resigned in 2003 after admitting he had an affair with his former homeland security advisor. The former governer is candid about how he hid his homosexuality during his political rise, and was compelled to engage in anonymous sex at bookstores and highway rest stops. The book doesn’t go into specifics as to where exactly these rest stops are located, but Jim “Hotlips” Mcgreevey will be making special stops on his book tour along i-95 so that you can experience his soft cocksucker lips and hungry velvet throat thirsty for man milk.

C: The French woman who received the world's first partial face transplant told a Sunday newspaper she has complete feeling in the new tissue just five months after the operation. Isabelle Dinoire, 38, also told the newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche that she still has a little problem of mobility and difficulty pronouncing sounds that use the lips, such as the "b" or "p.” But she can she finally can pronounce the word “Ow.”

A - This week The Dixie chicks are releasing their first album since 2003, they scandalized country music fans by telling an audience in london that they were embarrassed to be from the same state as president bush -- texas. The outspoken female trio have stood by their statement even after being dropped by radio stations and receiving death threats from angered fans. And, ironically have shown to many in the media that its OK to publicly state your own hatred of the wiggly eared Dubya. For instance, I hate him so much, that I would love to be a part of an angry romainian-Ceaucesque-era mob storming the white house and ripping him limb by limb, then marching though town with his head on a tall stake dripping blood. Christina? How much do you hate our President?

C – oh I don’t know. Um. I hate Bush so much I want to Punch him in the face?

A – Lame. Come one. anything else?

C - pinch him really hard?

A – Oh come on you can do better than that.

C – um…I hate Bush so much I want to travel to Borneo for a year and participate in their ancient teeth-sharpening rituals until my incisors become sharp points, then spend thousands of dollars on fake removable veneers, and then go to the next White house Press Corp Luncheon wearing a low cut dress, make eye contact and hit on the President until he is so horny that he takes me into a special private side-office where I get on my knees and nudge my face into his crotch area, teasing his cock until the presidents penis is engorged with blood and rock hard. Then I would like to eventually suck the commander in Chief’s penis, producing lots of saliva so that it gets all wet and drippy and then, and in a swift action, I’ll take out my veneers, bite down on President George W Bush’s cock until I chew through it, rip it off with my razor sharp fangs and stand over him, with his cock’s torn-apart veins and tissue dangling from my mouth, and wail a bloodcurdling Borneo death ritual like this – Eleleleleleleleleleele!

A – there you go! Anyone else? Yes, you over there!

Person: Um, I hate the president so much I’d like to strip him naked and painfully tattoo his entire body until he is a uniform darker flesh shade from head to toe, and then send him to a US Military run torture camp where he will be mistaken for a muslim insurgent, defecated on by idiotic American jarheads, forced to suck a dog’s cock and otherwise humiliated!

A: Super! And you there!

Person 2: I’d like to give the president AIDS and then produce a reality show where he is only given 30 dollars and no health care and everyone watches him beg for medication and slowly die on the streets of Los Angeles!

C: Ooh that’s a good one!

A: Yes! We have time for one more! You in the corner!

Person three: I was thinking construct a meticulous reproduction of the Bible out of razorblades, and then violently fuck President Bush up the ass with it while dressed like Jesus Christ!

C: weee! This is fun!

A: Isnt it? What fun we’re having here on the Fretwork News! We’ll be back with more pure, uncensored Bush hatred right after this....