detective Mike Chisano with some helpful tips for Gay Pride

Hello. I’m Detective Mike Chisano from the NYPD CUSSIVU department, or Cussivu. For those of you who do not know what CUSSIVU stands for it means Crime Unit Special Scene Investigators Victim Umpires.

On behalf of the entire Cussivu department of New York City, I want to wish everyone in the Gay and Lesbin community all the best on your Proud Happy Gay day that you are celebratin today.

I’m here to talk to you about safety in the gay lezbin transgendah bisexual fucking whatever you are community. Your Proud Day is a time to celebrate your identities. But unfortunately they can also be a time of attacks and hate crimes.

I probably don’t need to inform you that anti-gay violence has escalated in the past few months, and that recently a prominent performer in your community, Kev. Kevin Aveeancee. Avionky. Mrs Kevin Aviance. Was beaten up in the East village and suffered injuries.

Which is why in this time of joy and cheer its important to stay clearheaded and aware

To assist you in having a beneficial pride celebration experience, remember the three S’s. Sensitive. Sensible. Safe.

Be Sensible. Do not walk alone at night. Be sensitive, walk your friends home if they are drunk and fucked up, Be Be safe. Try for once not to get so fucked up you can barely see and do dumb things like walking around the projects looking for rough trade.

Now you are all allowed to wear what you wanna wear and be who you wanna be, but before you go out tonight in your little rainbow shorts with your tushies in the air, please remember the three A’s. Stay Aware, Alert and Accessible. Don’t go anywhere dangerous – aware. Look around you – alert, keep your cellphone handy – accessible.

If you are a gay man, the pride can be especially dangerous, since you are single and alone and probably horny.

Now we at the Cussivu department are very aware and sensitive to your needs as gay men. Because we had to take two years of fuckin sensitivity training workshops so we know that sometimes you gay men get all dressed up in your titclamps and buttplugs and you like to get slapped around a little, and although we know this is entirely different than unwanted hate crime violence, it still leaves you very susceptible to hate crime violance. We also understand from our training that when you get all dressed up in your titclamps and rainbow shorts and loneliness its highly likely you are looking to have rough sex, and to find a male penis to put into your mouth or anus.

If you are looking for a little rough action and male genitals, the Cussivu Department has developed the Three C program. Call a Cop for Cock.

Come down to the 49th Precinct, tell the uniformed police officer at the front desk you are here for the Three C program, and she will direct you to my desk on the 2nd floor where I may be of assistance to you.

You know, I’ll slap you around a little bit, tease your hole with my nightstick, that sorta thing. But If and when you do partake in the Three C please remember the three L’s: Lips, Lick, Leave. Use your lips not your teeth, lick up the entire ejaculation, and leave the office immediately or I will blow out your brains with my Sigarms Single action X-five handgun.

I hope you have become better informed from this talk. Once again this is Mike chisano from the NYPD Cussivu department. I will be out in my car for any of you who want to participate in the Three C program immediately. Be careful out there.