Fretwork News, May 2nd 2006

Hello I’m alex alans

And I’m Christina cho

A: Our Top Story: Millionaire rights! According to a recent estimate, more than 8 million Americans are worth more than 1 million dollars. To highlight their vital contribution to our economy, the Bush Administration is organizing “A Day Without Millionaires” –which will show the country just how important millionaires are to our way of life: In New York, millionaires will take to the streets in a furious sign of solidarity. The Whole Foods, Prenatal Yoga and Stella McCartney industries will be paralyzed as millionaires spend the day marching through Millionaire enclaves like the Meatpacking District, Bliss Spa and ABC Carpet, behind a banner held by Famke Jaansen and Mario Batali.

C: Rosie is back! Rosie Odonnell has accepted the offer to replace Meredith Viera on the View next month when Viera takes Katie Couric’s place on the Today show. The Sexy, sassy Ladies of the View are very excited to the change. Perhaps most excited is newly thin Star Jones who is looking forward to chewing on Odonnels dangling lesbian underarm fat as an appetite suppressant when she is feeling a snack attack.

A - Major discoveries into origins of the universe! By the faint cosmic glow of the oldest known light, physicists say they have found evidence that the universe grew to astounding proportions in less than the blink of an eye. Peering into the past by looking at cosmic microwaves astronomers concluded that in the trillionth of a second after the big bang, the universe expanded from the size of a marble to a volume larger than all of observable space. While observing the beginning of time, astronomers also discovered a Corcoran Group real estate sign, and traces of Cher.

C: The French woman who received the world's first partial face transplant told a Sunday newspaper she has complete feeling in the new tissue just five months after the operation. Isabelle Dinoire, 38, also told the newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche that she still has a little problem of mobility and difficulty pronouncing sounds that use the lips, such as the "b" or "p.” But she can finally pronounce the word “Ow.”

A: Church officials recently confirmed that Pope Benedict XVI has requested a report on whether it might be acceptable for Catholics to use condoms in one narrow circumstance: to protect life inside a marriage when one partner is infected with HIV. To further complete his condom study, Pope Benedict is asking any hot black men to show up at his private chambers wearing condoms, then to powerfuck his hot papal hole, and then to drizzle their viscous loads all over his naked wrinkled body until he resembles a large glazed donut.

C - Interscope records has struck a deal with Hasbro to create a line of fashion dolls modeled on the sexy six-girl super group the Pussycat Dolls. The dolls will be geared to quote “children still too young to download music”. The dolls are dressed in the eyecatching Spice Girls Meets Moulin Rouge style of their human counterparts. They will also be made of a soft silicone material that little girls can later inject into their lips and newly forming breasts. Also their soft, squeezable shape will be great stress relievers as young girls feel inspired to dressed up like their skanky rolemodels, and get their tight little pussies fucked by Steven Dorf, Flava Flav and other pieces of Hollywood trash.

A - In a rare moment of transparency, President Bush gave out the number of civilian Iraqi deaths in one of his frequent town meetings, admitting there have been 30,000 civilian deaths since the beginning of the Iraq war. But even more importantly. Christina, do you know what day it is?

C - Oh…um…is it some sort of anniversary? Could it be…the anniversary of the end of the Iraq War?

A - Why yes! Yes it is! Its the third anniversary Bush’s famous “Mission Accomplished” declaration – when he appeared on an aircraft carrier in a flight suit and joyously declared the Iraq War was a success! And to celebrate the anniversary of the war, President Bush and his crackerjack team of nice, smart, white men are celebrating. Youre a woman, Christina, since all you probably do is sit at home eating Ben and Jerry’s, hoping that me or some other man will marry you, I am sure you know the series of anniversary gifts appropriate for this year.

C - Well lets see...the first is paper...

A - Uh huh

C - And the second is band-aids....

A - Spot on so far

C - The third anniversary is…leather?

A - Right! Leather! And the administration will be celebrating this year with leather. Nice Iraqi leather. Through a special exclusive offer, the white house is offering a special collectors item -- One of these beautiful satchels…called the Ghraib bag… The bags have a lovely texture, and moist, baby soft feel…Beautiful, buttery skins of well crafted Iraqi leather, made in the country, authentically.

C - Oh man! I am a bagaholic! That is one beautiful bag. How many have they made, Alex?

A - Well according to the president, 30,000! So it’s a limited one time offer…but I have a feeling there will be plenty more made, so you may have some time.