Fretwork News, April 17th 2006

Hello I’m alex alans

And I’m Christina cho

A - And welcome to the fretwork news. Our top story. In a radio interview with Right wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh on Monday, Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld answered back to recent the highly publicized calls for him to step down --referring to the dozen former generals of the US Military who are calling for Rumsfeld’s resignation. Rumsfeld responded saying that these accusations were a standard part of the history of America, and will fade away, like critics of the American Revolution and World War II. “This too will pass” he said, to Limbaugh. Then they both laughed heartily, massaging their fat stomachs full of succulent steak and stolen oils, and each let out a long, congratulatory fart which blackened the air with an evil stench of toxic doom.

C - Interscope records has struck a deal with Hasbro to create a line of fashion dolls modeled on the sexy six-girl super group the Pussycat Dolls. The dolls will be geared to quote “young children still too young to download music”. The dolls are dressed in the eyecatching Spice Girls Meets Moulin Rouge style of their human counterparts. They will also be made of a soft silicone material that little girls can later inject into their lips and newly forming breasts. Also their soft, squeezable shape will be great stress relievers when the young girls follow their skanky role models and get their tight little pussies fucked by Steven Dorf, Flava Flav and other pieces of Hollywood trash.

A - Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375 million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought "missing link" in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land. Several well-preserved skeletons of the fossil fish were uncovered in the Canadian Arctic. The fish, named Tiktaalik, has the beginnings of digits, proto-wrists, elbows, shoulders and also had a flat skull resembling a crocodile's. The discovering scientists called the fossils the most compelling examples yet of an animal that was at the cusp of the fish-tetrapod transition.

C – alex, I’m sorry I guess I’m not sure exactly what this animal is like. Is it sort of a fish or amphibian?

A – its kind of between the two actually

C – Its just so hard to picture…you know?

A – well you know those drawings of evolution? [imitates]…its sort of right about…here…

C – oh interesting…I get it…that’s so much clearer! In other science news, an international team of paleontologists are reporting the discovery of fossils that compile a transitional species between two ancient ape creatures that were direct predecessors of today’s human. The 4.1 million year old creature was the intermediate species between the Ardipithecus Ramidus and the Australopithecus Arafensis, better known as the famous “Lucy” skeleton.

A – fascinating! But I’m sorry Christina…I don’t quite understand what this species is…

C – Oh, well, if you were to look at the typical evolutionary table, the creature would be…

A - Following up last weeks top story, Molly the cat trapped for two weeks in the ceiling of a west village store’s basement became an international star and gleam of good news in an otherwise bleak week of Iraqi bombings and war fear …recent investigations have uncovered some shocking truths about Molly’s past. Molly, it turns out is actually gay and an abuser of drugs. The two weeks in the ceiling Molly wasn’t alone. Rather, he was on crystal getting his little cat ass pounded by a leather top.

C – really? Jesus Christ

A – no no no I’m just joking!

C – oh alex your such a jokester!

[slaps him on back, gets sleeve caught on collar]

C – oh…sorry…it looks like my bouse is caught on your collar! Sorry excuse me! Damn it it wont budge

A – well mperhaps if I move, oh! Shit I got my leg caught in this stool! I cant move!

C – we’re stuck!

A –Hello! Help. Help us.

Fire dept – Hello there. This is the New York Fire Department. Are you OK.

C – Yes! But we are stuck! We’re trapped and we cant get out!

Fire Department - …we can’t seem to locate you. It looks like its impossible to find you. Hold on and we will get help.

Psychic – Hello…Hello…can you hear me.

Alex – Yes. Yes we can. Who are you?

Psychic – My name is Angela Morris. I am an anchorperson psychic communicator. I am hired by the Fire Department to try and guide you to the nearest exit.

C – But we’re stuck!

Psychic – Follow my voice to the exit….follow…follllooooooowwwww…

A – godammit psychic lady we cant we’re stuck!

Psychic (to fireman) – its not working. I’m sorry. I gotta go I have an appointment with Katie Couric to talk about her nighttime wardrobe…I’ll bill you…

Fireman – well thanks for trying….

Janice – Is this a good angle? Ok I’m ready.

Alex – who’s that?

C – Holy crap! Its Janice Mikatarian from Doom News! That cunt!

Janice – Hello. This is Janice Mikatarian reporting from Doom News. Is this the end of the Fretwork newsteam? Its star anchors, Christina Cho and Alex Alans seem to be stuck within the studio and cannot get out, even with the help of the Fire Department and a psychic. Now, as night falls over the city, the two anchors will have to fend for themselves, forage for food and warmth, and try to survive the dry, often dangerous terrain of a news studio.

C – Holy shit motherfucker we’re toast!

Janice – Stay tuned for further news reports on the always reliable Doom News, where we never make mistakes and have control over ourselves and remain professional. This is Janice Mikatarian.